i just feel like i ruin everything i touch sometimes, and now the darkness is seeping in and i don’t want it. i don’t want it. i’ve had such little time. i thought it’d last longer. i wanted it to last longer. i spent half a life’s worth of wishes on this, and that’s all i get? Two weeks? Two weeks in exchange for a lifetime of sadness. It isn’t fair. It isn’t fair. The people i know deserve better than that. They deserve to be allowed to hurt. But how can anybody justify their pain against someone like me?
How is it fair? Because if i wasn’t there for you, why should you be there for me? It isn’t fair. It isn’t fair. It isn’t fair. i need you but of course i fucked up so i can’t have you, and here i am at 12:34 A.M. wishing i’d been awake the night you needed me so i could need you now without hating myself. Selfishness. Everything i touch rots.
Everything i know is backwards. i believe in God because the world is cruel and i don’t want to believe the universe is against me. i don’t want to believe the rain falls to make me miserable and the grass sticks to me because it wants me buried beneath it and the trees grow specifically to make me trip. i would rather believe that there is somebody with a personal vendetta against me because i know that, i know it, it’s as old and friendly as the pain, but if the molecules dancing in the sweet summer air are aching to lodge themselves in my throat i don’t think i could handle it. i don’t. i don’t. i learned to love the world because it couldn’t hate me but now i’m thinking i’m wrong and i don’t know how to cope with that. i don’t.
If I died
would you look to the clouds
and whisper, “Why did you take her away from me?”
Would you look at my shroud
and wish you could see the body beneath breathe;
would you pray for me in Buddhist temples
would your state of mind be disassembled
would your tears spill out like sins from your mouth
that if I were to die,
a great many people would cry
as I settled down to sleep
in a coffin six feet deep
beneath the world that never loved me.
in my mind
you would mourn
But I still feel
in my heart
that you wouldn’t.
And the pain hurts enough
to convince me.
I wanted someone to love all my hills and fissures, and you weren’t him, and that broke me.
5/8/14 – In God We Trust
Our heads hanging loose upon our shoulders
while the air outside is getting colder
and the sky is growing gradually bolder
as the earth beneath becomes less sober.
As the worms crawl from the soil
the world comes slowly to a boil.
At the heel of earthly toil
our tightened knots at last uncoil.
When at last faced with the fall
in those fabled promised halls,
we will, in peering finally around our walls,
find, in shadow, nothing at all.
5/5/14 – Hollows
Light breaks through
the things we loved
cracks of desperation
off the edges
of the things we’ve lost.
filter into darkness
fingertips coated with grime
dust of crumbled walls
We’ll be fine
Pools of sunlight
in the hollows
splinters of memory
we once knew.
in twos and threes
signs of desolation
up the edges
of the wounds we’ve carried.
2/17/14 - please don’t leave me here alone
I just wanted to make you smile.
And now that you’re getting better, I’m afraid
that you won’t need me for a while.
When I left, ever so briefly,
I thought you were silly for thinking I’d abandon you,
but now I am terrified.
And can you tell me that I’m unjustified?
In being scared now of the dark
when you were the only light illuminating me.
2/11/14 - I Know What It’s Like Up There
I know what it’s like up there.
And you’re wrong.
There are no stars;
those things you see marring the sky at night
The darkness that god created
I’ve found the end of shadows in the darkest of places.
The moon doesn’t shine on the back of my neck or anywhere
because there is no light;
and there are no shadows.
I am not the push and pull of the tide.
I am the tide.
I am not the wind caressing your face;
I am the air you breathe.
I am not the stars in the sky,
I am the sky.
I am the clock
ticking inside your chest
and I am the bones protecting it.
Can you hear me?
For when your clock stops beating
you won’t be with me.
You will be me.
And you will be the answer
to the question you asked that day.
(in response to this poem)
It don’t know if I ever really loved you,
but either way I couldn’t help the way I felt.
How many times did I tell you
I wasn’t what you thought I was?
And how many times
did you insist otherwise?
I’m sorry for the way I am
but I did everything I could think of.
It’s not my fault
that you were to blind to see
that the person you were looking at
was nobody like me.
I knew we weren’t meant to be
when somebody asked about our dreams
and you answered right away
while I just stuttered.
The knights I knew
were empty suits of armor filled with moonlight
that glittered like stars and galaxies with swords made of sunbeams
and shields made of fallen bits of undiscovered planets.
But what I never realized
was how long and dark the shadows
casted by brilliance and beauty could be
until they were being casted
Random Daze theme by Polaraul