3 weeks ago

i just feel like i ruin everything i touch sometimes, and now the darkness is seeping in and i don’t want it. i don’t want it. i’ve had such little time. i thought it’d last longer. i wanted it to last longer. i spent half a life’s worth of wishes on this, and that’s all i get? Two weeks? Two weeks in exchange for a lifetime of sadness. It isn’t fair. It isn’t fair. The people i know deserve better than that. They deserve to be allowed to hurt. But how can anybody justify their pain against someone like me?

How is it fair? Because if i wasn’t there for you, why should you be there for me? It isn’t fair. It isn’t fair. It isn’t fair. i need you but of course i fucked up so i can’t have you, and here i am at 12:34 A.M. wishing i’d been awake the night you needed me so i could need you now without hating myself. Selfishness. Everything i touch rots.

Everything i know is backwards. i believe in God because the world is cruel and i don’t want to believe the universe is against me. i don’t want to believe the rain falls to make me miserable and the grass sticks to me because it wants me buried beneath it and the trees grow specifically to make me trip. i would rather believe that there is somebody with a personal vendetta against me because i know that, i know it, it’s as old and friendly as the pain, but if the molecules dancing in the sweet summer air are aching to lodge themselves in my throat i don’t think i could handle it. i don’t. i don’t. i learned to love the world because it couldn’t hate me but now i’m thinking i’m wrong and i don’t know how to cope with that. i don’t.

i don’t. 

- A.V.E.

2 months ago

If I died

would you look to the clouds

and whisper, “Why did you take her away from me?”

Would you look at my shroud

and wish you could see the body beneath breathe;

would you pray for me in Buddhist temples

would your state of mind be disassembled

would your tears spill out like sins from your mouth

 .

No.

 .

I know,

deep inside,

that if I were to die,

a great many people would cry

genuine tears

as I settled down to sleep

in a coffin six feet deep  

beneath the world that never loved me.

 .

I know

in my mind

you would mourn

me.

 .

But I still feel  

in my heart

that you wouldn’t.

 .

And the pain hurts enough

to convince me. 

.

- A.V.E.

2 months ago
I wanted someone to love all my hills and fissures, and you weren’t him, and that broke me.
5/8/14 – In God We Trust

Our heads hanging loose upon our shoulders

while the air outside is getting colder

and the sky is growing gradually bolder

as the earth beneath becomes less sober.

.

As the worms crawl from the soil

the world comes slowly to a boil.

At the heel of earthly toil

our tightened knots at last uncoil.

 .

When at last faced with the fall

in those fabled promised halls,

we will, in peering finally around our walls,

find, in shadow, nothing at all. 

.

- A.V.E

5/5/14 – Hollows

Light breaks through

the things we loved

cracks of desperation

desertion

despair.

Dawn fractures

off the edges

of the things we’ve lost.

 .

Broken sunbeams

filter into darkness

the shadows

weeping, reaching,

fingertips coated with grime

dust of crumbled walls

broken barriers

mold.

We’ll be fine

in time.

 .

Pools of sunlight

in the hollows

your eyes

wandering, straining

splinters of memory

echoing loss

sorrow.

Shadows silhouette

broken relics

we once knew.

 .

Shadows hide

in twos and threes

signs of desolation

despondence

despair.

Dusk closes

up the edges

of the wounds we’ve carried.

.

- A.V.E.

6 months ago
2/17/14 - please don’t leave me here alone

I just wanted to make you smile.
And now that you’re getting better, I’m afraid
that you won’t need me for a while.

When I left, ever so briefly,
I thought you were silly for thinking I’d abandon you, 
but now I am terrified.

And can you tell me that I’m unjustified?
In being scared now of the dark
when you were the only light illuminating me.

- A.V.E.

6 months ago
2/11/14 - I Know What It’s Like Up There

I know what it’s like up there.

And you’re wrong.

There are no stars;

those things you see marring the sky at night

are galaxies.

The darkness that god created

is finite;

I’ve found the end of shadows in the darkest of places.

The moon doesn’t shine on the back of my neck or anywhere

because there is no light;

and there are no shadows.

-

I am not the push and pull of the tide.

I am the tide.

I am not the wind caressing your face;

I am the air you breathe.

I am not the stars in the sky,

I am the sky.


I am the clock

ticking inside your chest

and I am the bones protecting it.

Can you hear me?

For when your clock stops beating

you won’t be with me.

You will be me.

And you will be the answer

to the question you asked that day. 

- A.V.E. 

(in response to this poem)  

2/8/14

It don’t know if I ever really loved you,

but either way I couldn’t help the way I felt.

How many times did I tell you

I wasn’t what you thought I was?
And how many times

did you insist otherwise?

I’m sorry for the way I am

but I did everything I could think of.

It’s not my fault

that you were to blind to see

that the person you were looking at

was nobody like me. 

- A.V.E. 

6 months ago
2/9/14 

I knew we weren’t meant to be

when somebody asked about our dreams

and you answered right away

while I just stuttered. 

- A.V.E. 

6 months ago
2/2/14

The knights I knew

were empty suits of armor filled with moonlight

that glittered like stars and galaxies with swords made of sunbeams

and shields made of fallen bits of undiscovered planets.

But what I never realized

was how long and dark the shadows

casted by brilliance and beauty could be

until they were being casted

over me. 

- A.V.E. 


Random Daze theme by Polaraul